My Teen Is Self-Harming. How Can I Help?

Maybe your teen told you themselves. Maybe you noticed something and asked, or someone at school called. However you found out, it’s hard to hear that your child has been hurting themselves and then know how to act normally for the rest of the day. You’re worried about them, of course, but you may also be wondering what you’ve missed and whether the next thing you say will make it harder for them to talk to you.

I think a lot of parents put pressure on themselves to get that first conversation exactly right. Most won’t. They love their child, they’re scared, and they’re trying to make sense of something they don’t understand yet. What matters more than having the “right” response is making it possible to keep talking.

What can you say?

If your teen came to you, you might start with, “Thank you for telling me. I know that probably wasn’t easy.” If you learned about it another way, you could say, “I noticed something that has me worried about you. Can you help me understand what’s been going on?”

You don’t have to pretend you’re fine. It’s okay to say you’re worried. But try to leave enough room for your teen’s experience rather than asking them to manage your fear along with their own. “I’m worried because I love you, and I want to understand” can open a very different conversation from “How could you do this?”

They may not know how to explain it. They may tell you a little and then go quiet. I know how tempting it is to fill that silence with questions, especially when you’re trying to figure out how serious this is. You can slow down and ask about what was happening before they hurt themselves, what they remember feeling, or what they wish you understood about that day. You don’t have to get the whole story in one sitting.

I’ve written more about the different things self-harm may be doing for a young person in What Self-Harm May Be Trying to Communicate. There is no single explanation that fits every teen, which is one reason listening matters so much.

What comes next?

Listening and taking safety seriously belong together. Make sure any injuries get the care they need, and ask directly whether your teen was trying to end their life or has had thoughts of suicide. That may feel like a frightening question to say out loud, but self-harm alone doesn’t tell you the answer. If there’s an urgent injury or you believe your child may act on suicidal thoughts, seek immediate care. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 for crisis support.

You also don’t have to work out a plan by yourself. A pediatrician or therapist can help you understand what kind of support your teen needs and work with both of you on a safety plan for the moments when things get hard. It can help to ask your teen who they would feel comfortable reaching out to, how they might let you know an urge is building, and what would make it easier to be honest with you. Any steps you take to make home safer will go better if you explain them and include your teen in the conversation as much as you can.

And then keep being their parent. Check in, but make room for conversations that aren’t about self-harm. Sit with them while they eat. Drive somewhere together. Watch the show you’ve been watching together. They need support with what’s happening, and they still need the ordinary connection they had with you before you found out.

If your first reaction didn’t go the way you hoped, you can go back. You can say, “I was scared, and I think I asked too many questions. I want to listen better. Can we try again?” Repair doesn’t require perfection; it asks you to mean it and stay open to what they say next.

Therapy can help a teen make sense of what happens before the urge to self-harm and develop other ways to get through those moments. It can also give parents a place to bring their own questions and fears without putting all of that on their child. Sometimes the work involves the teen, sometimes it involves the parents, and sometimes it involves the family together. You can ask for help even if your teen isn’t ready to come in.

At Denney Family Therapy, we work with teens and parents navigating self-harm in San Clemente, with telehealth available throughout California. If you’re wondering what support might look like for your family, you can read more about how we work or schedule a complimentary consultation with one of us.